I wrote this a few years ago but, since it's that time for making New Year's Resolutions and thinking about what we want out of life, I figured it's a good time to repost it.
This isn't love advice. Me giving love advice would be like having a blind man teaching you to carve a turkey. This is more about the things I've learnt about myself when it comes to love and romance and all things messy and squishy.
- If a guy makes you feel like shit then you aren't aiming high enough. Sure life will never be one long string of snapshot moments but the good should outweigh the bad. Aiming high isn't about income or looks; it's about being treated well.
- No guy improves as the relationship progresses. If he's an arsehole now, you can't change that. You can only get out before you invest too much time in de-arseholing.
- Sex is good. Sometimes having a no-strings-attached fling is fine. The danger is when you get into that murky grey area. If it's just sex, it's just sex. Don't start with the daydreams of roses and chocolates and weekends at a cottage near the beach. Don't ever, even for one teeny moment when you are bored shitless running off 500 copies of a report on the photocopier at work think about white dresses and wedding bouquets.
- Related to this - if he just wants sex, don't give him anything else. Don't listen to his issues with his workmates or the stories about how his mother forgot to pick him up from football training and he had to wait 5 hours in the rain when he was 8 years old. People say women like to share their feelings but seriously, men are the worst at this. They will load all their problems onto you so that you feel like you have take care of them. And why? It's not building closeness, it's just giving him someone to whinge at. If it's only meant to be a casual shag, don't put up with the jibber-jabber Tell him to shut up, get his pants off and get on the bed!
- In fact, don't give a man any creative, moral, business or emotional support that you aren't getting yourself. Otherwise you'll spend an excessive amount of your life telling him his love sonnets are Great Art and totally unappreciated; meanwhile he's leaving your haiku notebooks to gather dust because he doesn't have time to read them. That's complete bollocks. Men will take all your support and ego stroking and eat it up like a pacman eats up those dots things. Then he'll expect you to feel honored because he tells you your shit is "OK."
- "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't have sex with you." Need I explain the levels of wrongness here?
- If you have the choice between two guys, always go for the good looking one. Women think they have to compensate for being less good looking by having a great personality, being fun and being supportive and tend to believe the same about men. This is a trap. The ugly one is not going to be more fun or even grateful that you picked him. He's going to be a mean, arrogant shithead. Trust me, every girl I know who has picked the ugly one has said this. Your pity gets you nowhere.
- No one is ever too busy to send a text message. Ever. They aren't Jack Bauer. They don't have thousands of lives at stake. If they have time to put their football tips in, they have time to text you. If they have time to eat, they have time to text you. If they have time to take a dump, they have time to text you. The reason they haven't called is because you are lower on their list of priorities than footy tipping, eating and shitting.
- If a guy doesn't want to see you again because you slept with him on the first date, he's got issues. In one night, you got sex and got rid of a man with issues. That is why sex on the first date is a good idea. If he's a dud root then you also saved yourself time finding that out.
- If you walk away from something shitty, you'll be alone but you were alone anyway - that's why it's shitty.
- Never, ever leave a guy alone with your handbag.
And the most important tip,
if a date ever feels wrong or icky or threatening, get out of there. Don't worry about offending the guy. Don't worry about looking like an idiot. Make up some excuse, spend your last dollars on a cab if you have to, but get the hell out.
I don't know if it's true that there is someone for everyone. Maybe my someone was really spaced out and got mowed down by a truck while he was crossing the road? I guess the only thing to do is keep searching. And wearing low cut tops.